The Chick Monologue in D Minor

ranting about veterans mental health care

2011-03-24T17:09:00.000-07:00

Today the wind and rain has managed to chill me to the core. I'm not sure there is anything different about today, but I think the weather is enough. I shared my story with another vet today, it was the first time I've talked about it in a long time. To talk about it now is very different than it was to talk about even a year ago. I feel so distant from the hell of that year. It stirs an uncomfortable emotion. I used to have a way of talking about it that I separated myself from it, and now I feel like it is a part of me, but it does not consume me. Now I can admit to the injustice I was dished from it all, but it has become what drives me. There is a deep anger within, not one that eats at me, but one that drives me to push for others to not have to suffer like I and others who have went out the way I did. I want to do something to help other vets so that they can have an easier transition coming back to civilian life, I want to help those who are not getting the mental health care they need who have come back from the war. Even if we haven't been fired at, we all have wounds that need TLC. Our vets are being ignored and are washing up on the streets much like the Vietnam vets. We are failing our vets and after I heard this morning about another program that was cut who deals with Vet's mental health, I'm disgusted with our leadership. This injustice can be ignored no longer! ...okay, now onto that stats homework.

Catching up... again.

2010-12-27T09:17:00.000-08:00

Sorry buddies, it has been a while... Since that last blog, things have been well. ...mostly well. School has ended and now I'm on break. I passed all of my classes and have been spending time with my boy and new boy friend. I don't believe I have dubbed him with a nickname yet. He is unique and is deserving of a nickname on my blog that fits him as such.

Most of the holidays have passed and they have been fabulous. Halloween was fun, we all dressed for the occasion. Thanksgiving was a joy, the dude and I went to a friend's house there was a lot of family fun there. Then Saturday, we had Christmas dinner at my house. It was so much fun! The boyfriend and I spent the better part of the week preparing everything for our guests. Dinner was perfect, all of it was done at the same time (which btw, if you have never cooked a holiday meal, you probably don't understand why that is worth mentioning. But for those of you who have, it was the most amazing thing!) I succeeded making my pineapple upside down cake! I still have some but it needs to go. I can eat cake for breakfast for only so long.

I think the best part of the weekend was when the bf and his girls came to stay the night Christmas night. They went to sleep without a fuss. The next morning all of them piled on my bed in the largest pet pile my house has seen.

Pet pile: When we all pile up somewhere and pet the animals and cuddle with each other.

It was so wonderful. I never could have imagined this is where I would be right now. It is delightful. And that thought kind of brings me to my next one. I'm starting a project soon. It is going to start with a new blog that I'm actually going to promote. It goes along with my ideas of what I want to do when I finish school. I can't give it away here. It is still just a rough idea and I'm not sure I know how I'm going to go about it, but it will be created to help those who find themselves lost on the path I have spent the last few years on. It is one of the reasons why I have been so silent here. I've just been thinking about it and don't want to give it away.

2010-10-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

It is kinda hard to describe but I woke up for the first time this morning without the big heavy cloud of blah over my head. It was the first time in months that for just a few hours, I was happy again. I write here not to feel sympathy from any readers but just to get it out. I have been holding back quite a bit this year. It has been a lot harder than I have lead on to believe. I write something, then delete it. This year has been as painful as the first year without him. I know I say that I'm grateful for meeting the ex because without him, I would have never met the awesome friends here in my city, but at the same time, he messed me up even more than I was before. I can't even say I miss him, I don't, he was a total butt to both my son and myself, but I miss our lifestyle. Really I just want to have that normal life that progresses like most of the rest of the population. That wasn't in the cards though now was it?

Yesterday I finally got to see what the report the military did for my last re-eval on my head and the doc concluded that I have a nondescript form of bipolar disorder. I'm not bipolar one or two, or possibly even three, but she said that she thought that I have it or it could be an odd form of major depressive disorder with complicated unresolved grief. In all the time that it has been, I have yet to really be able to talk to someone about any of the grief I carry. Of course I have my friends, but I don't want to burden them with it. Besides, unless they have been through it, they can't get it. It isn't like I lost a pet or my parent or something. It is a different kind of grief than that. More over, if I am talking to someone about it, they can't understand about how this whole bipolar diagnosis really makes me feel. I'm really not sure what I have more of a problem with, grief of loosing my spouse or grief related to having this incurable brain issue! It scares the hell out of me to know that my son could have it too! It scares me to think what I do could really mess him up more than the crap his father landed us in! I just hope that he doesn't have this, and I hope that I don't do anything that is really going to mess him up in the long run. I mean, what happens if I have a real manic episode? I don't want him to have memories of when mommy was in the hospital and lost it! The therapist I saw yesterday asked me what keeps me going and at the time, I couldn't really say, but I think that is it. I don't want to do anything that will mess up my son! He didn't ask for any of this! He deserves so much better and I am doing the best I can, but is it really enough?

Yesterday I also got to see my new docs and they are much better than the last prick I saw. They agreed that if I don't need meds they would prefer to not push them on me. That was refreshing. It was the first time a doc who could actually help me listened to me. He listened to me and suggested a therapist in his clinic. I have an appointment with her next week. I met her briefly yesterday and it was such a relief to finally have someone who is trained to deal with me. I have asked for help so many times without results, five years actually, because a lot of this happened before anybody died. Maybe now the pain with become manageable again. I'm so tired of all of this. I want to smile without sadness to bring me back.

Mixed feelings

2010-10-19T22:33:00.000-07:00

The air gets cooler and the leaves begin to turn. There is nothing more lovely than a walk in an old neighborhood listening to the sound of the leaves crunching ever so often under the footsteps of people happily chattring. I love fall and all the memories. Our anniversary is coming up again. I have mixed feelings about it. Mostly I have good feelings from the memories of when we were falling in love, the memory of or wedding... Then there are the painful memories. Sometimes they can be pretty over powering, but mostly I'm coping okay. It is definately harder this year than the past two years. I'm not sure why exactly. It could be just my head, but it could be grief. I don't know. What I do know, is that fall is in the air. Children are excited about dressing up as whatever their hearts desire. Homes are decorated with pumpkins and cobwebs and some how we are all delighted to be a little spooked. Even though there is this looming ache in my heart, I'm happy to enjoy this fall with my son and our friends. It has been a perfect as it can be right now. :)

Complaining

2010-09-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

At this point, I just don't know what to think. The new semester started and the first part of it was anything but fun. To catch up anyone who reads this and doesn't know, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder three years ago, however, that diagnosis was taken off of me two years ago and now here we are nearly three years ago from the month that my military career was halted over the original diagnosis. Funny thing is, I went to a new P doc over the depression that for the last month wreaked havoc on my GPA so far for the semester, and he re-diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder. Seriously, this is really annoying. I'm not sure which I'm more mad about! I'm mad that nobody can agree what is wrong, or not wrong with me, and I'm mad that I have to live my life in such a way that I can't disturb my normal. If this really is Bipolar Disorder, that means no late nights, no early mornings, no alcohol, no high stress situations, no romantic relationships (because I will most likely get crazy when he leaves me), and I have to deal with the side-effects of the medication to boot. I am already permanently messed up from the meds they had me on the last time. I have a random twitch that shows itself at the most inopportune times, and now that I am back on another med, I have the freaking tremors again. I hate the tremors. I hate the tremors. I FREAKING HATE THE TREMORS! Along with that, I have this headache, it is due to the new med, it has happened in the past. It might go away or just make me so docile that I stop caring about it. Seriously, all I have ever wanted out of this life was to live a freaking NORMAL life. Work, kid, retire. No medication involved. I guess that was never in the cards. Being the crazy old dog lady at the end of the street does sound like it is though. It is odd to say, but I feel like I'm past my prime, expired or something, used up and just kinda here to wait out the next 50+ years until I can be reborn as a freaking dung beetle or something...

So here is a thought, no one in my family has been diagnosed with this, it is normally hereditary. That makes me wonder if it has anything to do with the crap that we call food in this country. There are too many stories like mine that makes me think that we need to stop eating all this genetically engineered, pesticide bathed and processed food and go back to the basics. If you can't read the label, then DON'T EAT IT!

new home

2010-08-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

It has been a long rough summer. Over all it was good, but there were parts that genuinely sucked at a level I have not seen in a long time. The part that the ex broke up with me, that sucked. The part that my son was clear across the country, that sucked too. Oh yeah, and that lightening speed algebra class, that wasn't the highlight either. Over all though, it was a good experience. I learned that I have some amazing friends who will pull together for me if needed. I learned to ask for help. That was a skill that I cannot understand why I did ever explore that lesson sooner, it would have made things so much easier in the past.

At this very moment, it feels like all is just how it should be. I can't say that any of it was easy, it was far from easy, but I clearly am on the other side of the rough waters. Over all, I'm very happy to have had this summer to learn from and my past relationship for the same. I gained a lot from him.

The house is starting to feel like home too. The grass in the front has turned a lovely shade of dark green and there is a giant tree in front that shades the house in the evening. The front porch is a lovely spot to sit and watch the people going to the med center down the street on their bicycles with their lab coats flapping gently behind them. The people walking by with their dogs and the kids whizzing by as fast as they can on their bicycles and skateboards. I love living in the city.

So the first view from the door upon the entrance is a bright array of colors, kinda like shabby chic with a retro twist in vibrant Technicolor. My couch is a pale pink L-shape that is nestled in the corner against the front wall of the house. I laid a pretty and brightly colored sheet with a large floral print in pink, yellow, blue and green across the seat cushions which is paired with my black and chrome Barcelona Chair. There is a large archway that divides the living room and dining room, and hidden behind it is my desk with it's modern look and fancy white polypropylene and chrome chair with the same funky green glass lamp that adorns a table a black side table in the living room. The focal point in this room is the table with a bright blue table cloth and it's two toned green chairs. Atop the table is a vase that is very Cath Kidston. Just beyond it is a built in china hutch that stows brightly colored green yellow and blue dishes with some other random things. The kitchen is next, it is white with black granite counter tops. There is also a chrome shelf that I used for storage and the microwave. Both bedrooms have their own flair too. Mine has basically the same color palate as the rest of the house, the dude's has primary colors instead of the pastel switch up. Over all, it feels like home. I'm so ready to enjoy it :)

not sure this even makes sense

2010-07-30T02:14:00.000-07:00

In eight hours the quiet chaos ends and the obnoxious chaos of boxes shuffling between homes begins. The dream of a little girl will be realized, although not quite as she imagined. It is a bittersweet moment. No, it is no high rise with a fantastic view. She isn't quite the business woman she thought she would be by now, and she certainly doesn't have a grasp on life as she thought she would. Still with all that, she is happy. She is finally moving to the city not a suburb, but an actual city that when people hear it's name the say "Oh" and actually know where it is. It isn't a big city, but it is important. Big isn't always what is important.

In the eight hours, a woman moves on. She picks up the pieces and goes forward with her twist of fate. Life is unexpected and with it expect that. Even if something terrible happens, or something unexpected happens, it can be for the best. After all we don't know what will be around the corner now do we?

The quiet tapping of the keys... okay, maybe not so quiet... kind of pounding through the night with vibrations that can be felt in other rooms with the door shut... yeah, it just goes on. The Chick just thinks about nothing and everything some how at the same time. How the Hell is that even possible?

So much is changing in the next couple of days. The end of a crazy fast class, the end of a living arrangement, hopefully not the end of a great friendship (I doubt you read my blog)... hopefully you can be friends with me after that conversation (feminist stuff), just please, don't ever bring it up again. The end of a happy spot in life... okay, maybe the happy spot was over a long time ago and I was just oblivious that it ended... all though i still don't understand fully what the Hell happened there. I'm afraid to ask. ...and even if I did ask, I'm not sure I would want to know the answer. It must be bad, or you would have told me right?

I'm so tired I have chills. So lonely I don't want to get off the computer. I cannot wait till my boy comes home. After all of this, really, I just want to go home. Tomorrow I will, as soon as I get the key. Think I'm going to bring a box of tissues and just take 5 minutes to absorb it all. There is just so much to do. *twitch*

2010-07-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

It is almost midnight and I'm so wound up from solving equations for the last seven hours that I'm having a hard time coming down. That and it probably doesn't help that I have this really awesome station that I created on Pandora that I'm in love with. If I could bottle up the feelings that I get from some of these songs and save them for later, I would. Which leads me to another thought. It is so easy to bottle up negative feelings, but why is it so hard to bottle the positive ones?

Tomorrow is my mid-term for this summer algebra class I'm taking. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm excited, because I'm sure that I will do well. I'm also excited that the class is half over at this point. ...Okay, so maybe not mixed feelings. Just happy ones. I would have liked to have had a better grade than this at this point... I guess maybe that is the part that I have the mixed feelings about. I'm sure that I will be able to bring it up to my normal performance level. As the last blog said, there was a slight hiccup in the everyday events and it effected my studies briefly. Things are well again, different, but well. I would even say better actually.

The end of the chapter.

2010-06-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, and there have been a lot of changes in heck, the last couple of weeks, let alone since I last blogged. I'm not going into the details of any of it, but I think that the changes have been for the better. I guess the biggest change is the fact that I'm single again. I can't be mad about this end of the relationship, I do believe that it is for the better. I can't be mad at him, I gained so much from the relationship and from just being around him. I'm me again. I'm not broken. I'm happy again, and healed, none of which wouldn't have happened so quickly if he weren't there to push me. And even with all that being said, for the first time in years, I have friends who actually live close by who don't flake on me. I've found my path in life again. I've found my peace within. So even though it hurt a little... okay a lot, those first few days, I'm just thankful that we parted on good terms.

Well, I know this was a tiny blurp, but I'm on a tiny computer. It is a pain in the butt to type on this thing, so I think this is the end of this post.

Then there was coffee AND beer!

2010-04-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

So I have been living in the Sacramento area now for a while. To add to that, it has been a very long search prior to that to find a little place that was as quaint and familiar feeling as "the Frosty Mug." The Frosty Mug was our nickname for this little hotel in Italy where we would gather for afternoon beer. Since I left Italy in 2003, I have been looking for a place that has the same kind of happy familiar feeling as the Frosty Mug. Finally, this afternoon, after being stood up by my study group, I decided to just go down town to find a happy little cafe to study at. After walking around in a very large circle for about an hour, while avoiding all the kids who had some kind of event going on down town, I escaped to this little bar. It serves espresso, and has a full bar! AAAAAnd it had a menu if I would have been hungry! After finding this gem, I have come to the conclusion, there is no reason to ever move from Sacramento, every thing I need is right here. :)

Visit to the Base

2010-03-31T08:56:00.000-07:00

I'm really not sure this was much of a break. It has been all about work, work, work. Really though, I welcome it. The goal is to have a large enough income that I wont have to go back to the military if they want me.

For anyone who has been following my story, this could possibly be a drastic change since the last time I brought this subject up. Let me catch you up.

A couple of weeks ago I was pretty gung ho that I was going back. It was just what was supposed to happen. I went back to my last base to run some errands and had to talk to a lot of people there. Some I knew, some I didn't. I went back to my old shop and discovered that despite that the actual shop it's self looked the same as it did when I was there except for the wear and tear of the years, there were only three people that I worked with still there. All three of which I was surprised about. One always had a bad attitude and got in a lot of trouble, so to find out that he got a rank he had to test for to get, was a shocker. The other two were really great guys but when it came to work, it would have been easier to go outside and summons the dead to do the job. In my conversation with this guys, or lack there of, I was reminded of how things really were. I was all but ignored.

From there I went to find the recruiter on the base, I had some questions that only he would be able to answer. Three hours later and several miles looking for him, I found his empty office. Luckily the Guard recruiter was there though. So I talked with him and he said a undercutted comment that I don't think he realized I would understand. Did he think I was stupid or something?

As I was driving home, I had about an hour to think freely with no influences. I recalled the feelings that I had while there at the base and remembered that those were the same feeling I had when I worked there. I can't even explain it really, but some how I felt less than a person. It wasn't because I normally feel that way, I'm a fighter! I'm not superior to anyone but I'm not a lesser either. Some how, they all made me feel like I was not welcome and that I was crazy. I felt the depression that I felt before the accident and remembered a conversation that my husband and I had after our son was born. He noticed a change in me, he noticed that I wasn't happy, I tried my best to pin point the issue and I told him I wanted to seek help. He agreed that I should. Almost six years later, I now know what drove me to me to that point. I don't want to go back.

The mini-wave, no biggie

2010-03-08T23:34:00.000-08:00

I wonder if there is a point that I will stop writing on the anniversary of the day he died. Today was actually a pretty good day. It only hit me once when I was in one of my classes. It was kind of one of those ambush moments that I was kinda irritated at myself because I was becoming more distant as the class went on. Was I bored? Was I what? Whatever it was, I was irritated with my lack of being able to concentrate, then the voice that does it everytime. "Four-ten, you made the last phone call." Then that is when I started to loose it. Right there in the front row of the class. It was like the voices of the students and the teacher were all around me getting louder and making less sense. My heart was racing and it I was fighting the tears to no avail.

The last ten minutes of the class was Hell, and as soon as it was over, I darted off down the hallway then down the stairs and out the door. I some how managed to briskly walk all the way to the bathroom in another building and by the time I got there it was gone. The wave had washed over me, then it was done. It wasn't like the tsunamis of the past, instead it was quick, not as painful. It was over with quicker than it took to come.

I was able to meet up with my friends from my class, just where I knew they would be. I knew that they noticed that I left in a fury. We got back together and there wasn't much a mention of the whole episode. It is kinda nice when people don't ask questions when I breakdown like that. It is quite embarrassing when it happens and talking about it usually makes it worse since I can't seem to express myself verbally, I have to write it. This is the only way I feel comfortable talking about this stuff for some reason. That is one of the underlying reasons why I want to write my book. It would give me a chance to really get it out. Maybe if it were published, someone else like myself would get the comfort that I get in books too, maybe she wouldn't feel as alone as I did for so long.

I know that I'm not alone. I have some of the best people in my life who let me know everyday how much they care and I hope they all know how grateful I am to have them.

Despite the mini-wave, I actually had a great day. We had a great chicken dinner as per the suggestion of the big dude and I got a lot of business done. I even had time to complete my math homework before getting ready for bed.

Last week in a conversation with a young lady about grief, I told her that loosing a spouse is a lot like losing a limb, you can never grow it back so you will never fully heal. You can however learn to live with the facts and go on to enjoy life anyway. I know I have found peace.

The AF is calling and is ready to see you now.

2010-03-05T11:30:00.000-08:00

Its that time of the year again when the birthdays and death conjure to make me crazy. This year is different. I am only a little down, and I can't even say that is the reason why I'm slightly tinged blue. If fact, it isn't even at the forefront of my thoughts that next week will be the three year mark. I mean it is there now because I'm talking about it, but it isn't something that is changing how my day goes, or upsetting my thoughts in anyway.

I've also realized that the exact date isn't what I get hung up on, but more like the first Thursday in the month of March that gets me. That being said, yesterday, that wasn't even what occupied me. It was the phone call that I got before I left home yesterday morning that I was thinking about all day. The call was from an Airman somewhere at Randolph telling me that she would be sending me a note for an appointment for my next evaluation.

This call wasn't supposed to be this month. I was expecting it over the summer, not in the spring. Not yesterday. Not with the other things going on right now. So I was numb. It was kinda the same numbness I felt when I found out that I was pregnant. I don't mean that in a bad way, but it was just the kind of news that you know will change your life. It was a big event, and the thing that I think has changed most about me in the last couple of years is how well I adapt to change.

Those of you who know me really well know, when something big is going to happen, I'm the one most excited to welcome the change! This is not the case anymore. Now, I a leery of it. I almost fear the outcome. Deep down, I think that I am more scared of what the final word will be when the AF makes the last call. Do they really think that I am not fit for duty? Do they want me back? If they do want me back, will we be moving? If so, where? Can I try to convince them to put me back at Travis or Charleston? If I do come back, am I going to be put under so much pressure that I pop again? I think the last question is the one that I am most concerned with.

The pressure that my supervision put on me was not natural. Over time, I have realized that most of that is my fault because I lacked the self-confidence to say "no" and raise a flag for myself when I was being treated unfairly. Like when the shop chief told me to "Just bake cookies for Airman X. Maybe he will switch stand-by with you so you can be with your son for his birthday party." The man knew that I had scheduled a birthday party for my son. He knew it nearly two months out. Yet he scheduled me for work that weekend. I had to cancel the party. Aside from that, telling me to "bake cookies" to get what I want, what the Hell was that? He never said things like that to my male coworkers, and for whatever reason, I never took this up. It wasn't the first time that he said or did something that was so despicable. Nor, was he the first. Nearly every supervisor I had did or said something that was disrespectful to me because I was the girl in the shop. Do I really want to go back to that?

Deep down, I miss the AF. I miss everything about it except for the stuff mentioned in the paragraph above. I want to go back because I know that I can make a difference. I know that I can change the way that my situation was handled (the whole grieving troop thing). I know that I can go back and succeed, I can become the Chief that I aspired to be so long ago. But at what cost?

Funny that you wrote the last blog entry you wrote Corinne. I'm at the next major fork, and do have some control over what happens next. I'm scared. I know that if I go back, I wont see my boy or boyfriend for a while. It is going to change everything. If I don't go back in, I could be retired permanently and continue living life the way it is now with some other changes to that dynamic, or I get cut, and that will be the end of it.

Ultimately, I know what the right thing to do is. But a year from now, will I still know I did the right thing? I feel like the AF and I are playing Russian roulette, they hold the gun, I hold my breath.

the cat and i

2010-02-18T15:56:00.000-08:00

There is a cat kneading on my chest as I write this, so I apologize for any serious infractions on the English language. She has really taken to me you know. Anytime that she is inside, she sits on the desk between me and the screen... and also the keyboard. As I type she tries to get my attention by laying across my arms and staring at me while purring so hardly that I wonder if that hurts. I think that the funny part of all of this is when she starts circling in front of me with her tail waving wildly about, she nearly always hits the screen and since my computer is a touch screen, she highlights things and zooms in mostly.

Really though it is nice to receive such attention from an animal that is known to have this superiority complex. This cat doesn't. She is mostly afraid of everyone. Everyone but our family. ...Is she going to lick me? She is at my elbow and intently watching my fingers on the keys. Is she going to attack my hair? She is looking right at it now. Nope, she just wants another cuddle.

Anyway, enough about the cat.

Where's Waldo of Older College Students

2010-02-04T00:22:00.000-08:00

School is really starting to get moving faster now. The classes transition smoother. We can see who will routinely start their classes late and who will be on time. We can see who gets flustered at the moment that pens begin clicking when deep thinking is involved and who cannot believe how unfocused some of my classmates can be so early in the semester.

I have learned that trying to write before noon is a no go. That being said, I am 12 past that, so I should be fine. I have been enjoying this semester so far. I do not however like the fact that I forgot to schedule shower time after my core conditioning class. Fortunately though, I will have a much more flattering (and flatter) figure by the time the class is finished.

In the last week, I have noticed that I have been more open about what the last couple of years were like. I have found the words that are short, to the point and usually are well worded enough that people don't ask details. This week has been more social than not. I have been working on my social networking skills and really am enjoying the "Where's Waldo" of people who are in their late twenties. I was outed though by my Italian Porfessoressa when we were being asked how old we were. "Ho ventisette anni." I said to her, and she mumbled under her breath "Oh, she's old," in Italian, then translated it louder for the class to hear and understand." Ouch that was harsh!

At least though, I am young enough that this isn't terribly hard and old enough to realize that studying is more important that a social life. Yeah, I know, I mostly have been writing about the social aspect of things, but I know you don't want to hear about what I'm studying. And even if you did, the state of California would probably want to fine me for it since we are so broke out here they wouldn't want me to share the school's teaching without charging! I should get my walker and get to bed. I got my early day tomorrow, or I guess it is today.

News Flash! Graphic Tees are Not in Style

2010-01-24T10:24:00.000-08:00

Who decided that graphic tees are not in style? I guess I am officially not hip now. I'm not getting rid of my tees! These shirts say things that need to be said! I knew this fall that something wasn't right when I went back to school and all these kids were wearing tights and long shirts with belts. What's with the belts girls?! I'm going to say something and it is going to be mean. Our nation as a whole is fat. There, I said it. I know that I'm right there in the middle of the fat crowd. I'm trying to do something about that. Next week starts a semester of working out with a demon who thinks that burgers are bad... Okay, yeah, burgers are bad, but come on! So back to the topic...

No one in our country should be wearing tights and long tees with belts. Here is why. Tights cling to the leg. Most of us are self conscious about the width of our legs. Why ladies are we accentuating this?! The belt worn with this ensemble is to draw attention to the abdomen. These belts are usually pretty large and eye catching when set against a bright color. I don't know about anyone else out there, but as a fat girl myself, I try to draw attention away from my thick middle by say... a graphic tee. This style to me is possibly worse than the low cut jeans that dominated the otts. At least with the low cut jeans, someone like myself could go to the misses department in an upscale store and find some decent "mommy jeans" that came up high enough to not expose my stretch marked belly. And when I wore these, I just bought a thicker padded bra and a little bit bigger graphic tee to not show the outline of the top of my pants. It worked! I was only called a cow once this whole decade, and that was when I tried to follow the trends for an evening out.

I guess now, I will be out of style for the next thirty years. Really though, that is okay. That just means that I will have better pickins at the thrift store. My close will be cheaper and I can save my money.

First Week Down, 15 More to Go!

2010-01-21T16:46:00.000-08:00

Today was the end of my first week back to school after the break, and it was very different than the last semester. Last semester my schedule was scattered and anywhere I could get into a class, there I was, which meant classes at different campuses and at home study courses. I only had one class that was actually at the school I go to. This semester on the other hand, I go to school four days a week from morning until afternoon and go from class to class. All of my classes are on the campus and probably even more notable than all of this, is that last semester, I only had one class that wasn't a BS class that I was just taking so I would have less trouble enrolling this semester.

I'm pulling my first English class since high school! We had a diagnostic test on the subject and I think that I did well, but we wont know until Tuesday. Yeah, I know, my blog is definitely NOT the most grammatically correct literature published today. I prefer my blog to be more along the lines of my spoken word, you know, so it feels like we are actually having one of those one sided conversations where I have kinda taken over and don't give you a work in inch wise. ;) With taking this class, I realize that it will be a challenge, but I don't think that it will be too bad. Besides, the book (that is right, there is only one) that we are reading is Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser. I would have chosen this book to read on my own, so thanks to my professor who chose it for the class. Other classes that I am taking are Psychology 300... again. (last semester I started this class, but the person "teaching" it was too busy playing mind games with the students and didn't bother actually teaching anything until the whole class was ready to turn him in to the dean for not following his own rules in the syllabus.) This time it is going to go a lot better. And I'm also doing Pre-Algebra again, last semester I did this one and it was all online, self-paced with no teacher unless we wanted to fight the students who all were trying to get individual help. That class was only half of this one. This time I'm taking the whole thing. Again, I feel like this one is going to be more productive.

I also noticed that with my schedule that I had last semester, there were a lot of people who were around my age or older. This semester, since all of my classes are during normal hours and at the campus, I am the old fart. In a good sense, I don't get invited into those stupid little conversations that the kids want to have in class. On the other hand, I'm the old fart. And just in case if you were wondering, that also means that if there is a lonely guy in his late 30s-40s he will find me, and attempt to have a conversation about the youngins... which would make me feel older than I am except that these guys always come to try to spark a conversation with me... even when I was fresh out of high school. I guess that the good thing about that is that at least now, I'm a little older and so we are now closer in age, which makes that a lot less creepy.

So anyway, there you have it, the first week of the semester. Rain... ...Rain... Rain, and all. I bet I'm going to have a lot to blog about this semester.

Melancholy Night

2010-01-14T00:28:00.000-08:00

Where does the source of my insomnia lie? It doesn't hit as often as it used to, but sometimes sleeping sounds so good but I just can't seem to pull myself to bed. These nights are usually after a day of just not feeling myself. Like I'm lagging just a half step behind. It is like my heart has sank just a little bit and it is kinda hard to smile. I don't wish to live as I once did. I am happy with where I am in life. I am happy with my family I am in love and things are hunky-doory. I'm just a little... off.

Today I was so mean. I tried not to be, but every time that I opened my mouth it was like a venomous reptile spewing anger. I wasn't even mad, although I was hot headed. I publicly apologized to my victimized boyfriend. He puts up with a lot from me. Sometimes I wonder if he knows what he has really got himself into. He really is such a wonderful guy, and if you are reading this sweetheart, again, I'm sorry for being such a bitch today.

So hopefully in the morning I will wake up and kiss my beau and be happy without being so mean. You really are something special :)

2009-12-26T17:06:00.000-08:00

The sound of markers on paper as careful small hands do work on a fuzzy poster of spiderman, it is the day after christmas. i love the day after. yeah, there is some clean up involved usually. For the most part though, it is mostly just lounging and playing and enjoying time at home. nobody goes anywhere the day after. today for me consisted of a nap. a long peaceful lap curled up with my dogs. football going on the tv and the dude on his skateboard. it has been a good day.

we were supposed to go to meet up with the bf's grandpa, but it has gotten to late to do that. so we will be making a trip up there sometime before the end of january. this evening we have planned a quest for feetie-pajamas... adult sized ones. nothing says HOT like a man in feetie-pjs hahahaha

Peaceful Monday Afternoon

2009-12-21T12:56:00.000-08:00

The quiet sounds of the boy in the background playing with some toys and the dog
The occational clanking of iron against concrete while the big guys trains in the garage
The deep breathing of the puppy next to my feet and the clacking of the keys as i type
This is what peaceful sounds like.

going home

2009-12-14T16:30:00.000-08:00

we were supposed to leave for virginia thursday, then i realized that i was broke and couldn't afford it. which really was kind of convinient, because as time came closer the more i realized that i wasn't ready to go back. and as i have been thinking about this today, i came to the thought, "why do i not have the drive to 'go home'?" most people really feel like they want to be around their family, they feel like they dont want to leave home. they want to stay close, they like where they grew up. why don't i feel like i need to be there?

i wish i could put into words, i will try. i love my family. i love the time that we spend together, but i feel like the bond between us is deeper than the number of miles between us. just because i am not "home" doesn't mean that i love then any less. and just because i don't want to go back now, doesn't mean that i am really any farther away my heart than my brother who is just miles from my parents. i can love them from here.

since i left my parents home in 2001, i have not been back unless i had something to do there (3 times). do i get home sick? it has happened twice. but i feel at home here. it would be nice if they would come see me. maybe then i would feel more inclined to visit them for a visit. maybe i would try harder.

Rhythm of a Sunday in December

2009-12-13T09:53:00.000-08:00

Splip, splip, pitter, patter, plop, plop
goes the rain through the gutters drip drop.
The roses outside my window bloom bloom.
Hotwheels on the tv go zoom zoom
Fingers on the keyboard click click
Need a little coffee for sip sip
Splip, splip, pitter, patter, plop, plop
The gears in the clock tick tock
puppy paws on wooden floor click tick
little boy's nose sniff sniff
Splip, splip, pitter, patter, plop, plop
Splip, splip, pitter, patter, plop, plop
Splip, splip, pitter, patter, plop, plop
Splip, splip, pitter, patter, plop-

The End is Nigh

2009-12-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

For some people, this decade has been good to them. Those people who held out on buying a house, the people who didn't loose their jobs, those who most would consider lucky maybe. I for one am looking forward to the end of this decade, and to the suprise of anyone who hears it, I'm actually excited to see in two years.

Lets just take a moment to reflect on the highlights and low lights in my life over the last ten years.

2000-Graduated High School, started college (step-mom said I would never finish and I would end up working a dead end job... just like her), also broke off an engagement.

2001-Left for the AF, met one of my best friends(*wink*), crossed the Mississippi for the first time and was sent to Italy, met my former husband. And how could anyone forget 9/11. That effected every American

2002-Gained two puppies, enjoyed every moment of being in Italy except when I had to see my dickhead boss. That guy was suck as... Got married :)

2003- Was sent to Northern California, listened to the Man tell me how much he hated it here, which in turn made me hate it here. My shop I worked in sucked and I worked for a very unsupportive bunch of...

2004-Had the dude :) Still worked for unsupportive jerks. Hated my job. Restarted the Airman Against Drunk Driving program on our base, helped to start the program on three other bases.

2005-The man went to Iraq, and the Dude didn't get a First birthday party because daddy was gone and mommy didn't have any friends who would come. Moved to Yolo County. Realized that it wasn't the state that I hated, or even that he hated, it was just Fairfield and the base.

2006-Grandfather died, went to VA, came back and gained a roomate, he drove me crazy. beat his ass, evicted him, he left a month after the eviction notice said he needed too. Switched daycares because the daycare lady down the street said that I was not welcome in her home and that I was white trash. between the pressures of the assholes i worked for and the dipshit roomie, I gained a perscription for an antidepressant. One of my nieces died. flew back to VA. Went on a great Northwestern excersion with next to no money. Drove from Montana to Seatle for training, then met up with the family in Idaho and drove back down. Discovered that "Ken Ken" was not as good as "Tom Tom" and that GPS would have definately made things a lot easier. (I look back now and am thankful to have not had GPS at that time, we got lost, very lost, it was fun and now I have pictures from the first time the Dude saw the beach.)

2007-Bought a house, less than two months later hubby died. a month after that the AF decided that I had a mental problem and retired me until they could decide what to do with me. Bought a condo in Fairfield and proceeded to go crazy. December that year the Dude and I went to Kentucky and South Carolina to visit family. While we were in Kentucky I realized how crazy I really was realized that I was at a point that if persisted on the path I was on, I would be pushing a shopping cart within a year and who knows what was going to happen with my son. I realized the only way things were going to get better was if I made it that way. I was done letting men guide my happiness and driving me to insanity. Another big note, the housing market tanked about two months after I bought my condo. Also met another best friend :)

2008-Went back to Kentucky and picked up my son who was staying with my Grandparents. Ran around with someone I thought was a friend and he took me for everything I was worth. He drained my bank account I didn't realize he was just taking advantage of me while I still wasn't quite with it. Started on the road to recovery, this time really meaning that men would not guide me to my demise. August decided I wanted to do something with myself. Spent the next four months pulling myself together. Realized part of my problem that I lost my faith, began searching for it, found my path and started wobbly wandering along.

2009-It is amazing what power the mind has. Got a job, Got a boyfriend, Got a life. Found my faith. Found myself. Moved to Sacramento in the boyfriend's place. The Dude and I started school. Happy. Content.

Wow, now that I look back at what I just wrote, that sounds like a perfect made for tv movie or book or something! Guess I should get to work on that so when I'm rich I can send my story to producers and see some cheesy actress play my part in the best made for tv movie of the next decade! Over all, this last decade definately had some incredibly crappy points, but and had some amazing awesome ones too. I just want the next one to me less negative. I feel like it will be too :)

Good riddance first decade of the 2000s let the new era begin!

advisory on the "next blog" button

2009-11-29T23:37:00.000-08:00

people watching is one of my favorite past times. then there was myspace, where i could people watch from the comfort of my couch with laptop in hand. people customizing thier profiles and the "browse" button, i was in heaven! in fact, a few of my super good friends are products of the browse button.

so naturally, when i saw the message about the "next blog" button, i was about to wet myself because it was a chance to people watch once more without leaving home. so i pushed the button, and it took me to some geneology blog, then again, the same thing. this went on for a while that i was getting nothing but geneology blogs then finally it changed, this time to blogs about moms with twins, and new moms to be. this is all fine and dandy, and truth be told, if blogging was something that i was aware of when i had my son, you bet ya i would have been blogging about it. but when you click the button about a hundred times and just get blogs about pregnancy and geneology there is a point that you realize that maybe this button isn't as excited as i thought it would be. so i gave up. and instead write to you... or probably to myself and Friend about this experience. so if you found my blog because of the "next blog" button, welcome! feel free to share what else you came across! and if you saw something worth mentioning about another blog, post the link in the comments because i freaking love reading that stuff!

...now this insomniac must attempt sleep

How I Lost My Faith

2009-11-27T20:15:00.001-08:00

Last month someone relentlessly proded at me about my "primative" religion. She said to me, "I just don't understand how someone who is rational, like myself, can believe such primative beliefs." As you can imagine, this cut me deeply. I will discuss religion and faith with anyone who wants to discuss it. My faith has been such a major part of my life since I was a kid. I was raised as a Christian, in fact, I read through the Bible four times between ages 15 and 19! When other teenagers were out experimenting with drugs and learning how to function socially among thier peers, I was at church. I was at church every chance the doors were open! Jesus was my savior and I would live my life as God had told me to do so by His good book!

In 2002 I was reading through the Bible again, this time I was stopped. I read a little deeper than just what I was reading before. This time I was reading to get a deeper meaning. I noticed the first one in Genesis and I didn't make it past the gospels before I quit reading because I was so frustrated. The frustrations were due to inconsitancies that I was finding. I can't even remember which once caught my notice, but I went to many priests and pastors of many denominations to ask for them to help me sort them out. Most of them straight up told me that they didn't have an answer. One argued "that is why it is called faith." Ultimately, that is when I realized that the Bible, even though it is supposed to be the word of God, was rewritten by man so many times that it had lost its meaning in the translations. This is when my faith then took a turn for me to discover what I believe and not fear that I would go to Hell because I didn't believe exactly what any organized church would tell me to believe. I'm sure that this was the same scary feeling that Martin Luther, John Smith and many other predominate people in the Prodistant denominations felt.

As late as 2006, I still refered to myself as a Christian even if I didn't have a denomination that I felt fit me. I studied on my own, and if I went to church it wasn't about someone telling me how to live, but to feel like I belonged and was doing the right thing. Then in September of that year my oldest neice died in a car accident. Even though I really wasn't close to her in miles, and I didn't really talk to her often or my brother's whole family for that matter, it really effected me. She was a beautiful Jesus loving lady who lived her life for Christ! If the Christian God was so comassionate and so loving, then WHY did he take her? She was so young and my whole family are good following Christians! How could this happen to my family if God was on our watch? That evening on the way to the airport, is when I lost my faith. I remember that I verbally said what I had been thinking of for months, "I do not believe in you!" I felt so alone, like I had abandoned my life long friend, and it couldn't have happened at a worse time. Six month later I lost my husband, and that only confirmed that there was nothing there.

So when you stop believing that you have the ever lasting arms of your father, it is cold. It is lonely. There is nothing left but to ponder why you believed so deeply in the first place. I try not to tell people why I lost faith because I don't want to be responsible for being the catylist for thier own struggle. Life without faith really is Hell. The description in Dantes Devine Comedy has nothing on what it is like to believe something so deeply and to suddenly realize that you are believing in something that isn't there.

So if you are the person who asked those questions of me, this is my answer. I said it in a short answer for the first time ever today. It still hurts to think about it. It made me think of you and our conversations. I'm sorry if you feel that I think you are intollerant. I don't think that of you at all. I have the upmost respect for you and your faith. I learned a lot from your faith, it just isn't for me. Forgive me for not being ready to answer your questions, you found the pain that I burried a long time ago and wasn't ready to uncover. And for future reference, if you know someone was once a Christian and renounced her faith there was a damn good reason for doing so, especially if you know she knows your Bible better than you do.

For those who don't know, I have found peace in my own faith, on my own path, where I have the freedom to believe in what I know is right. Not to be swayed by the fear of going to Hell. I have been there, and will not be returning. I've never felt more whole or complete.

An Ironic PS. As I finish this post, I'm listening to Pandora and "You Found Me" by The Fray just started. This song/band was one that Pandora decided should be on my play list. I had nothing to do with it.

Chicken Noodle Soup

2009-11-23T17:02:00.000-08:00

Secretly I have been learning to cook some amazing meals. Tonight's dinner is...

Chicken Noodle Soup

-wheat egg noodles
-salt
-pepper
-poultry seasoning
-garlic powder (because I forgot to put a clove in)
-chicken breast
-2 cans chicken broth (low sodium of course)
-zuccini
-onion
-carrots
-celery

Unfortunately I just added this stuff without really paying attention to how much of it I was putting in. So just do it until if feels right. Prep and Cooking took only 40 minutes.

2009-11-21T22:02:00.000-08:00

I have been fighting with Best Buy for about three months now and finally won. They sold me a computer two years ago that was a lemon. It had nine different things that have been repaired in the last 18 months and for the last three months they have had my computer and shipped it all over the country trying to fix it. Thankfully though, with lots of "No"s I finally got someone up high enough on the food chain there who said "yes" when I told them I wanted a new one.

So here it is, my first blog on my new computer. It is nifty as hell too! It is a touch screen and that is really fun to play with. I was going to get a Mac but decided against it because of how expensive they are and the fact that I really don't do much more than write, research, and play Bejeweled. So I really don't need all the software that comes on the Mac. The final thing that made me stick with Windows was the fact that that my equipment that I have would be useless with a Mac, like this keyboard for instance. I can type 30 feet away from the computer and it still works! And the fact that my Office suit I bought for my other computer was still good for another two downloads, so I just saved myself even more money since I didn't have to buy it again.

So now I'm working on turning my crafting space into an office. I'm feeling like I'm getting out of the cards and paper crafts. My interests are again in playing music, writing, and painting; not to mention that I'm going to have a heavier class load in the spring. I plan on taking Italian, an English class, intro to psych and the other half of my math class. So I will most likely be pretty busy.

I know that this is an incredibly boring blog. I just don't have anyone to really talk to right now. I need friends who just wanna hang out at my house like the old days. Some day I know that my past will meet my present and the people who were apart of my life before everything happened will see that I have changed. Not in a bad way, but that I have found peace. And for the first time in my life, I mean it when I say I like who I have become. People don't walk on me anymore though I am still compassionate. I have found faith again although it has changed in ways that no one would have ever imagined. And as for the bond with The Dude, it is stronger than ever before.

Okay, I think that I have rambled enough. I should probably start working on this presentation that is due Tuesday. It is the last one of the class. I saved it for last on purpose. I will be exposing the truth behind the confidence that my classmates say they see when I speak. They don't know about my past. I just hope that my story makes a positive impact on one of them. Good night all :)

2009-11-11T22:01:00.000-08:00

Wow these last few weeks have went by so quickly! I have about a month left of this semester and I will be finished with my first semester! I'm really excited about it. I dont feel overwhelmed but more that it is one down and a lot more to go. But I feel good about it. I feel like Im finally doing something worth while and I know when I am finished that I will have set an example for my son so that maybe he will want to go to college too. I don't really care if he goes to college or chooses to go into the military like I did, just as long as he does something that will help him in the long run. I feel like what I did was the best thing that I could have done for me, but it isn't for everyone.

Lately the dude and I have been battling about the reading thing. He is just like his father! He doesn't care about learning he just wants to go do his thing and not be bothered. I think I finally got through to him though, because for two days now he has been working on it instead of just saying "I dont know" with out even looking at the words. We will see...

So anyway, I think it is time for bed. Lets hope that tomorrow I will get a phone call from Geek Sqad, they should be telling me that they are giving me a gift card to cover the cost of replacing that POS computer of mine that has been in the shop for nearly two months now. It just went in for the fourth repair Friday. Funny thing is that it didn't even make it out of the store before I sent it back off. I was thinking about buying a Mac, but the more I think about it, I think that I will just stick with a windows based PC since everything I have is already compatable with that system and I really dont want to go out and buy all new stuff. I think Im gonna get one of those fancy touch screen desk tops.

Okay, I have said enough.

Happy Anniversary

2009-11-09T08:17:00.000-08:00

Monday, November 9, 2009. I smile at you. Seven years ago today we were in Virginia and the trees were painted vibrant shades of reds, oranges, yellows and browns. My family said that it was the most colorful fall they had seen in years.

The days leading up to that day were so busy that our heads were spinning in circles, but today in 2002 was when it all came together. People don't usually choose to get married in November. Especially when there isn't another day that is significant to the lives of either party anywhere even remotely close to that day. I guess if there was anything significant in our past in that month it was that we went to the same Thanksgiving dinner the year before. Though I was only there for a short time since I had a date with some cute Italian that evening. I wonder what ever happened to him...

But on this day seven years ago, it all was about us. A young couple in love like so many before us, surely we knew we weren't the last. It was warm that day, and that was something that was different, usually the days are crisp in Northern Virginia this time of year. But on that day it was like it was supposed to be that way. So I in my big beautiful thrifty (only $200!!) dress and he in his JC Penny suit we said our "I do's."

Seven years. For most couples this is when they realize what forever really means. I guess in a way I have a taste of forever after. This is the first time since his death that I can smile about it. It doesn't hurt today. I am just thankful that I had the pleasure to experience happily ever after even if it was for only a few short years. He gave me something that can't be taken away, the memories and the chance to love our little boy who will never really know him.

So if I may, a toast to you my love. May you know you will always be my first real love. You will always be in my heart, you will always be with me. Know that I am happy now, again. I have peace in my soul again. I have even learned to love again. Your son is doing well. He is just as stuborn as you and I know this is going to be something that is going to be troublesome in the long run. Thankfully though, I have found a man, (or should I say that he found me) who dispite our flaws is willing to pick us up where you left off. Know that he takes great care of us and though he doesn't cook pasta like you do (which, I loved your pasta, but you KNEW I wasn't supposed to be eating that!) he does do yard work. (which you sucked at. sorry love, you know I'm right) He also picks up after himself and is working to help me break bad habbits that you helped me form (dishes in the sink ring a bell?) he has also helped me to loose 13lbs in the last two months. I think that you would really like him. We may not always see eye to eye, but I really like the fact that if he doesn't agree with me, he tells me about it. So "Man" even if happily ever after was something that you weren't into, it is okay. I still can have my happily ever after without you.

If you are reading this today raise a beer to the Man and for future "happy ever afters"

Oh yeah, and Friend, I can't remember the wedding and not remember that I forgot to tell you we got married.

And one more thing that I want to be known that I think is really cool. My bf's birthday was yesterday. So happy birthday to you sweatheart! I hope that this year will be full of great things for you even if most of your friends flaked on your party. I had fun and I know that the dude did too!

2009-10-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

we really are creatures of habit continuing to do the same things day after day, week after week, year after year. even if things change we still are the same people on the inside. what has lead me to thing about this the fact that my ultimate childhood dream has been realized. i wanted to grow up to live in a city. a city with tall buildings. the part of my dream that is still to come is ofcourse the education. i thought i would be done by now. but then life happened. my goals changed and i joined the military instead of working on my dream. and atthe same time, the dream changed. as a young woman new to the world, i dreamed of everlasting love, a family and the great american dream of the home, small town, and of all the pleasure that go along with that.

then life happened. and i was redirected. lost and confused i went back to my dream that i never completely let go of. i changed it to include the pieces that were missing the first time. and once i started back on my path agaiin to education, i woke up and realized, i am living my dream. even if i don't have my education and kick ass job, those things are coming. i have found love and have a wonderful family. we live ten minutes from my favorite spot in the city we live near. no, i'm not living in the high rise with a beautiful view, but i am living in a neighborhood that has some of the most awesome neighbors i have ever had. ...now that i think about it, it is kinda like my two dreams merged creating what i have today.

so now that i have realized this, i guess it is okay to put in writing again the goals that i have set for the days ahead. it is so important to write them down, that way you cant loose sight of what you want, and on those bad days when times get hard and you want to give up, you can go back and look at them, and remind yourself of why you are doing this again. so here it goes...

short term (next year or so)
1. make it through my first year of college
2. actually put away folded laundry
3. get my body healthy again
4. learn enough about football that i don't have to ask a question every few minutes to know what is going on.
5. pick a team (lol yeah, i know that is a goofy one, but it is something that i want to do)
6. start a pta at my sons school (we are still lookin for 6 more parents to do it)
7. visit my family in va on good terms
8. stop hiding behind the miles and allow my family to see me for who i am, not for who they want me to be.
9. invest the money i am saving responsibly (need to talk to someone for help on this one)
10. go to hawaii with the bf

long-term
1. finish my ba
2. own another property

longer-still
1. finish my mba then maybe my phd
2. own a coffee shop or bar
3. own an apartment complex
4. work in my field of study (psychology)
5. have a vacation home

i think those are good. the longer term goals are still very similar to what i wanted before, but with different twists. i know that a lot of this all seems really materialistic but it isn't about what i have for me, more about what what i can be capable of. i want to own the coffee shop or bar just because of my vision for one. the aartment complex because of the income potential... and i like property. and the vacation home because as much as i like the city, it would be nice to have somewhere to go every so often that is far from the stress of everyday life (and of course it is more property)

so there it is. and when i get tired i can look at it and press on.

A Tangle of Grief

2009-09-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

I was on my way to work and stopped at the Grab-And-Go. I had just turned the turn signal on when my dad called. I had come to learn that if my dad called me at this early hour of six am something was horribly wrong. I picked up the phone.

He sounded like he had been crying. He told me that the girls (my nieces) had been in a car accident on the way to school in the morning. He told me that T* was okay and that B* was in the hospital and was unconscious. Then there was silence. It was a long silence. I didn't know how to reply. I was so startled and so afraid. He didn't mention J*. "Where was J*?" He sobbed loudly and my heart stopped. He collected himself and said "She isn't with us anymore. She has gone to be with the Lord." I was quiet for a minute. I couldn't react. I had no words. I had no thoughts. I couldn't connect what I did have but I was just trying to put into sense the plain English that he had just spoke to me. He told me about what happened, and I told him I would be home on the first flight I could get.

I sat in the parking lot at the grab and go for a minute before I went anywhere, just putting the thoughts together. I cried for a bit and drove back home. Thankfully home was only a minute away.

I really don't remember much between the phone call and getting off the plane in Baltimore. I rented the first car I could get and drove home. I had just made this trip eight months before when my grandfather passed away. This time was different. This time, it was someone I remembered being a little girl. Someone who I had shuffled out of my room because she had so much of a curiosity of me. She wanted to be like me when she was little and I couldn't imagine her not being in my life. Just like her sisters or her parents or her mamaw. Even though I haven't been back in years other than funerals, I think about them all daily and love them all more than words can describe. Now, one of them was gone.

I drove the rental car through Pennsylvania and Virginia, down through West Virginia and eventually into Virginia. Stopping somewhere along the way at a Waffle House. When I walked in I looked like hell. I had been up for twenty-something hours and overcome with emotion for most of it. The waitress asked what I wanted and I don't remember what I ordered. I do remember the orange juice though. Think I had some coffee too. The waitress asked me about what brought me in at the crazy early hour and so I told her through the tears. Someone was listening to my story and bought my breakfast. I was given some coffee to go and continued on my way, eventually getting back to the exit that I knew to be home.

I stopped at the store, it was nearly seven am and I thought I would save my dad the trip to pick up a news paper. I walked past the counter to the newspaper stand and there it was, on the front page. My nieces mangled car. The one that i road with my parents on the way home when they bought it. The one that now, was a mangled mess of metal covered in blood. Our family's blood. I screamed a blood curdling scream that I'm sure scared everyone in the store and possibly outside of it. I picked up the newspaper and walked back with it shaking in my hands. My whole body shaking and I put it on the counter. I just said "This is my niece" and left more than enough money on the counter and walked out with the paper.

The drive home was quick, as it always is from that point. When I come back into town, it is like a breath from the past. Of course I feel happy because I will be seeing my family, but with that is the pain that I left behind. I don't remember much after the first hour or so I was home.

That day was three years ago today. Last year wasn't as hard as it is this year. Maybe because now I can feel again. When you love, you can feel pain, with both, at least you know you are alive. For that, I am grateful.

T* if you ever read my blog, I love you and hope you are okay today. I'm really proud of the young woman you have become.

2009-09-18T22:23:00.001-07:00

Who am I? I am certainly not the same person I was nine years ago, or even three years ago for that matter. Who am I? I listen to NPR or Capitol Public Radio more often than I do radio stations or CDs. If it is music it is normally jazz or classical now. I dress pretty conservatively and drawing little attention to my tattoos. When they are exposed to crouds I see regularly, people want to see them, some didn't even know I have them. I have this self-confidence that I am greatful for now since I didn't have it before but where did it come from? And probably the most notable change is that I don't talk as much as I used to. I enjoy the quiet. I enjoy peacefulness and relaxing. Who is this person?!

The changes that are not so noticeable to others but are pretty darned big to me is that I have found inner peace. I'm happy. Genuinely happy. It isn't medication, there isn't any underlying fear I have, and I don't worry anymore. I know that everything will be okay. I have peace of mind.

I know what it is like to hurt and not know what it is like to be truely happy. I wish that I could share this feeling with the people who feel like I once did. Maybe if they could share my peace it would help them to find thier own. I guess you really have to see the depths of hell to really see the beauty and wonder of the world around though.

Daddy Talk

2009-09-16T08:21:00.000-07:00

The dude and i have a tradition that we have actually had since the man was around. We have been going to Denny's on the night that kids eat free since the dude was about a year old. Tradition, I don't know, but habits do die hard. Besides, since he eats free, dinner only costs about $14. I've been trying to eat healthier, so it really limits what I can eat on thier menu. We still try to go anyway.

On the short jont home from the near-by Denny's last night, the dude again brought up his daddy's death. He has been talking about it a lot lately. So I think that I will get him in to talk to a professional to see if he might be needing that. It also might be that there is a kid talking with him about daddy stuff at school. Whatever it is, I will listen to him. We can talk about anything he wants to. So he wanted to talk about the why. "Why did daddy have a car accident?" Then before I could even answer, he said "Oh I know, he fell asleep when he was driving." I could not, with a good concous, leave him to believe this. If there is anything that I have done with him consistantly it has been absolute honesty. I am a firm believer that communication and trust is vital in all working relationships, and with my son, I cannot compromise either. So I told him the truth.

I have thought about how this conversation would happen since I myself got the news. Especially since I still do not full agree with the results of the investigation. So when this conversation happened I just picked up where the dude and I left off in a discussion about drinking and driving. I told him that his daddy made the decision to drink and drive, and that he paid the ultimate consiquences. So we talked some more about drinking and driving, and I made sure that he understands that how bad of an idea it is to drink and drive. We talked about drinking habbits and he knows the difference between what drinking alcoholic drinks and drinking other drinks are. I discribed alcoholic drinks as something that adults are allowed to drink that may make them feel a little different than they feel normally. I told him that it also has bad side effects because drinking too much can make you sick and it will also make you not think so clearly and can help to make someone make bad choices, just like daddy did.

The dude then told me that he will never drink alcohol. I told him, that alcohol isn't the problem though. When adults drink it and don't drink too much, or can stop themselves from making bad decisions that it is okay. I told him that the important think is, that if an adult drinks alcohol, that that person shouldn't be going anywhere without someone who hasn't been drinking.

I think it will be easier to tell him later that maybe daddy had a diabetic shock or something which is still a possibility. But maybe by telling him the investigation report's conclusion, he will not drink and drive as an adult. Maybe he can break the cycle before it starts.

out to pasture

2009-09-06T01:04:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with our society? We cast away our elders when they are "no longer productive" we cast them away like we would a plastic water bottle when we are finished with it! No other culture does this! I know that we cannot afford the health care for our elders. I know that we people don't look out for each other like other cultures, or even as our own once did. When is this going to end? When are we going to figure out that we cannot do this to people. Just because someone is old does not make them less human! Who wants do die in a hospital?! Who wants to die in such an undignified mannor?! It is sick. If anyone wants to know what my greatest fear is, it is of being old.

So all this makes me wonder what I am going to do when my parents are there. They are the same age and hate each other. I can't care for them both. They can't be in the same state, let alone the same house without fighting. If they both end up living with me at that moment, I will go crazy! Hopefully by the time that we get there, I will be rich and have a house so big that it will have a staff of six for each wing. it will have four wings so big that my parents cant find each other to argue.

2009-08-26T08:31:00.001-07:00

The bit with the school uniform is a little bit annoying because now I have to iron pants for him to wear. Why couldn't the uniform be something that requires less care? I think that it was a prudish stereotypical school principle like the one's that you see in tv that came up witht he concept personnally.

So he got dressed this morning and in the last few days has developed some kind of modesty thing or something because he keeps shutting the door when he does his thing. Which really is a good thing, but I guess he is either listening or growing up. *sniffle*

He looked very hansome in his uniform, all comunistic and all. (btw, I am strongly against uniforms in public schools) He was smiling ear to ear and very excited. I took a bunch of pictures of him then we walked to school. Which the awesome part is that school is literally across the street. So We walked from our house about six houses down and waiting for the crossing gard. He pointed to him when he saw him and told me that he thought he looked funny. So I explained why the crossing gaurd was there and what to do. Then he didnt think he looked so silly anymore.

We missed the orientation on Monday because it was in the middle of the day. That had to be one lazy prick who came up with that time! And of course it was the first day of my classes, so I couldn't miss those. So we went a little early so we could meet up with his teacher.

Now this is when I am starting to wonder about this school. I hear that it is a great school, but I am not happy with the fact that NOBODY shows up early, stays late or is even on time for anything I have dealt with yet with them. The teacher didn't show up until about five minutes before the class. Which I probably wouldn't have been so irritated except for the fact that this IS the first day of school ever for these kids and the parents should have a chance to talk to the teacher since after all since the kids will be in her care for a few hours out of the day! I don't allow my child to attend a day care or a preschool without meeting the provider first, why should this be any different! Then again, when they get older i guess that we dont get that opportunity anyway. I guess that must be the way it is now. None the less, you know, I was trying to follow the advice of the other widows that I know, and they all suggested that teachers should know when a parent is dead. I needed to tell her this so he doesn't come home with something for daddy, or so if he starts crying when kids start talking about what thier daddy does she would know why. She seemed to be really uncaring, when I told her she didn't thank me for telling her. Infact, as we were talking, she seemed down right... NOT CARING! I didnt think that we had to deal with these kind of teachers until the kids were in college! A kindergarden teacher should more kind! I know that this is her first day back but it is my child's first day of school and damn it his father to share this moment with him!

She told us that the parents were not to be there for the first two weeks of school. What the hell is this?! Boot camp?! I don't know, I was just really disappointed that I didn't get to watch at least the first five minutes or the introductions or anything. I am really disappointed that she didn't even let me share this moment with him.

Now I guess I get it. This really is the first step of him being independent. Mommy's gonna have to let you fly some day and this is the first time I have no control over him being out of the nest.

Thankfully though, the bf called me so I could talk to him about it. He really does seem to make things better.

My first day back to school

2009-08-24T20:38:00.000-07:00

This morning... *sigh* Oh holy hell I have never experienced frustration like that from looking for a parking space. I wonder if colleges purposely don't make parking structures or lots to accomodate the faculty and students just so they have to park illigally so the town gets the money from the parking tickets? I didn't get a parking ticket, but I did drive around for an hour looking for a space before I gave up and parked a mile and a half away in a subdivision.

So I was about 30 minutes late. I also wonder if it is a requirement for the employees of the school to have an attitude problem. I'm not talking about the professors. The ones I had contact with were great! But the people at the information desks all acted like they had stepped in dog doo or something on thier way in. WTH?!

My classes went well, I will say that I kind or got a small taste of the anxiety that the dude must be facing starting school for the first time. It was pretty intemidating. Particularly with all the bad attitudes I had to deal with.

Then when class was finished I waited at the councilor's office for THREE FREAKING HOURS!!! When I approached the receptionist about this on the third hour, she tells me that it is because none of the councilors had one hour slots for vets until about six. WHY DID SHE TELL ME THAT I WOULD BE SEEN PRETTY QUICK THEN?!?!?! Thankfully though, the councilor that I saw was the same one that I saw about a week ago, similar situation. She was very friendly, going to write a thank-you note to her :)

So, so far I have spent a total of 12 hours over three days sitting, waiting in the councilor's office. I think next time, I'm going to set up camp. It is really bad when people clap for you when your name gets called (and I didn't even grumble or make a fuss or say anything except to the receptionist), I guess my name was at the top of the list so long that they felt sorry for me.

Final conclusion: The military's "hurry up and wait" training was just that, training, for the true test the councilor's office. It will either make you or break you. Patience will be learned.

Over all, I'm very excited to be in school this year. :)

baking soda the wonder scrub!

2009-08-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

Last year I went through my house and gathered all of my cleaning supplies that were not green and gave them to a friend. I have since been cleaning with tried and true cleaning solutions from before Clorox was invented and Proctor & Gamble started pushing the need for cleaning products to the consumers back in the 40's. I have found that the old ways to clean things are usually more effective and are safe for the environment.

That being said, there are certain challenges that always seem to prove or disprove the power of cleaning products, yesterday I and my green shower cleaner stood up to the challenge. I have been watching the shower in our bathroom slowly get grosser and grosser while I have been too busy to breath in the last few weeks. So started cleaning with my Method Shower Cleaner (one of the few actual cleaning products I have, as we all know, showers can be down right hard to get spotless if let go too long). It worked very well on the glass. That was about it. I needed something that would scrub everything really well without scratching the glass. So I grabbed for the baking soda. It, no kidding scrubbed the walls of the shower better and faster than most store bought cleaner I have ever bought! It worked very well to get the hard water marks off the chrome and cleaned the shower head to where it looked new again!

Now there was a part of the shower that it wasn't quite as effective. The floor. And in reality, it was working, just slower than I needed it to. So I went to my meanest green cleaner I own. Its this scrub powder from Mrs. Myers. I don't know what all is in it, I just know that it is green, and whatever it is left me a scar from a chemical burn from when some of it got inside one of my rubber gloves on Thanksgiving last year. (I was drunk) I didn't know it was in there until it started burning on my skin. That stuff took only a minute to clean the rest of the shower. Now I have given you a list of my bathroom cleaning arsenal for tubs, showers and sinks.

Now off to getting my day started. Gotta go to the school and buy books. Woohoo!

2009-08-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

this weekend was the last of the crazy busy condo mess. well, at least for now. it is painted and finished... well mostly finished, gotta change the fan in the one bedroom because it is a really crappy fan.

so this week is the week of rest before we go back to school. in another words, doing all the stuff that has been neglected for the last four months. car stuff, cleaning, unpacking and stuff like that. oh yeah, and the part that i'm really excited about, buying the dude a new pair of shoes for school. well, since the schools here have the kids wearing uniforms, i cant go school shopping for clothes, but i can get him a nice pair of shoes and a cool jacket!

i'm taking the little dude shopping for a toy today. he has saved his allowance to where now he has $40! that is pretty impressive to me! some kids dont save, but this one does! he saves until he is ready to spend it, then buys something cool.

as for the big dude, he is working. i've been working on his resume today since he is looking for another job. i hope that he gets what he wants :)

Scrapbooking Hugs and Beatings

2009-08-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

We are only a few hours away from the first football game of the season. This will be my first season with a football fan in my presence for a whole season. I have never really watched a whole game. I have no idea how it is played. To me, it was best described by a foriegn exchange student from my high school back in the day. "they hug each other. they beat each other up. then they hug each other again."

So this year I will learn what goes on between the "hugs" and "beatings" I think I will go get one of those cheat sheets so I can better understand what is going on. Maybe I could actually grow to enjoy an organized sport outside of my personal favorite, olympic couch surfing. Maybe this artsy fartsy girl CAN actually learn to apriciate something that is so beloved by so many people in our country, that has been so foriegn to myself.

If not, I always have cards and scrapbooks. I can scapbook heavily for nine months out of the year. Wait a minute, that sounds really appealing...

Painting Over the Wounds

2009-08-09T00:07:00.000-07:00

The paint is probably dry now, but the aroma still remains. Today was an extremely productive day at my condo.

So let me explain this condo. It was one that i bought two years ago last month with pretty much most of the money I had. When the housing bubble popped, it caused me to go nearly broke. I lived in this condo for two years and just moved out of it last month. Now I am getting it ready for a renter so it can function as an income property.

Today my friend who will be renting the condo from me, and myself painted the bulk of what needed to be painted back to a neutral color. The walls in my condo were this lovely teal. I loved the color. It hit anyone who walked through the door head on, and there were always one of two reactions when anyone first saw it. One was "OMG this is sooooooo cool!" or "hmmm... interesting color choice..." Either way, it was everything I wanted to decorate with. I loved the decor in my condo. It spoke my personality through and through.

As we were painting over the color, I wasn't really thinking about anything. I don't know if it is the fumes or what, but everytime I paint anything, I go to a very calm place. It is almost like time stands still and it is just me and my brush or roller... or finger with the paint. ;) We were there for about six hours painting. (took about a two hour shopping/lunch break while the power was out for a while) When we were finished today, Most of the walls were painted with the neutral primer. It is a really nice color. Kind of reminds me of store bought chocolate milk. I stood back for a moment just to admire our work. Then I realized, painting over the teal painted over a part of my life.

When I bought my condo a couple of years ago, I was going through the absolute worst part of my life. My husband had passed away about six months before, my sixteen year old neice ten months before. I had completely lost my mind. I bought the condo to try to fill the void left in my heart. It didn't work. I filled the condo instead with anything and everything. I had become an all out hoarder at one point. My son was an innocent victim in the mess. His room was the only one that usually stayed clean. It was really bad.

With the last stroke of the paint brush today and the last roll over the wall, the worst was officially over. Chapter two has finally began. I have never been so ready for a new phase of life.

Taming The Beast Bushes: Part 1

2009-08-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things that grow well in Northern California. Grass is not one of them. Rosemary on the other hand thrives in the hot dry summers here. My son and I moved in with my boyfriend about a month ago, and he has a lovely landscaped yard. His brother, who we rent from, spent a lot of time, effort, and money on this beautiful back yard. It has a few planters, and some really nice green grass, and a pea grave path that goes completely from the gate on one side of the house to the opposite. It is quite lovely. I think my favorite space is the large patio, which I am in search of furniture for. We have nothing out there right now except for a chiminea. (i dont think i spelled that right but whatever)

Anyway, there were two very large rosemary bushes out there. They were taking over, hell, they are still taking over the planter boxes, but we went out there this evening and started triming. We trimed them back pretty far. I should have taken pics of them, but I was in the moment and just started hacking at them. We descovered a bunch of plants that we had no idea were even in these boxes as we were cutting back the branches. Now we are thinking that if we could possibly transplant them into giant planters or probably just rip them out at the end of the growing season and plant a new one in a planter on the patio. That is what would probably be best.

Now everything within a five mile radius smells of rosemary, which really, I'm not complaining. I like the smell :)

Welcome!

2009-08-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

I'm moving my official blog here now. Thanks for following! More to come later! :D