It is kinda hard to describe but I woke up for the first time this morning without the big heavy cloud of blah over my head.  It was the first time in months that for just a few hours, I was happy again.  I write here not to feel sympathy from any readers but just to get it out.  I have been holding back quite a bit this year.  It has been a lot harder than I have lead on to believe.  I write something, then delete it.  This year has been as painful as the first year without him.  I know I say that I'm grateful for meeting the ex because without him, I would have never met the awesome friends here in my city, but at the same time, he messed me up even more than I was before.  I can't even say I miss him, I don't, he was a total butt to both my son and myself, but I miss our lifestyle.  Really I just want to have that normal life that progresses like most of the rest of the population.  That wasn't in the cards though now was it?

Yesterday I finally got to see what the report the military did for my last re-eval on my head and the doc concluded that I have a nondescript form of bipolar disorder.  I'm not bipolar one or two, or possibly even three, but she said that she thought that I have it or it could be an odd form of major depressive disorder with complicated unresolved grief.  In all the time that it has been, I have yet to really be able to talk to someone about any of the grief I carry.  Of course I have my friends, but I don't want to burden them with it.  Besides, unless they have been through it, they can't get it.  It isn't like I lost a pet or my parent or something.  It is a different kind of grief than that.  More over, if I am talking to someone about it, they can't understand about how this whole bipolar diagnosis really makes me feel.  I'm really not sure what I have more of a problem with, grief of loosing my spouse or grief related to having this incurable brain issue!  It scares the hell out of me to know that my son could have it too!  It scares me to think what I do could really mess him up more than the crap his father landed us in!  I just hope that he doesn't have this, and I hope that I don't do anything that is really going to mess him up in the long run.  I mean, what happens if I have a real manic episode?    I don't want him to have memories of when mommy was in the hospital and lost it!  The therapist I saw yesterday asked me what keeps me going and at the time, I couldn't really say, but I think that is it.  I don't want to do anything that will mess up my son!  He didn't ask for any of this!  He deserves so much better and I am doing the best I can, but is it really enough?  

Yesterday I also got to see my new docs and they are much better than the last prick I saw.  They agreed that if I don't need meds they would prefer to not push them on me.  That was refreshing.  It was the first time a doc who could actually help me listened to me.  He listened to me and suggested a therapist in his clinic.  I have an appointment with her next week.  I met her briefly yesterday and it was such a relief to finally have someone who is trained to deal with me.  I have asked for help so many times without results, five years actually, because a lot of this happened before anybody died.  Maybe now the pain with become manageable again.  I'm so tired of all of this.  I want to smile without sadness to bring me back.