ranting about veterans mental health care

Today the wind and rain has managed to chill me to the core.  I'm not sure there is anything different about today, but I think the weather is enough.  I shared my  story with another vet today, it was the first time I've talked about it in a long time.  To talk about it now is very different than it was to talk about even a year ago.  I feel so distant from the hell of that year.  It stirs an uncomfortable emotion.  I used to have a way of talking about it that I separated myself from it, and now I feel like it is a part of me, but it does not consume me.  Now I can admit to the injustice I was dished from it all, but it has become what drives me.  There is a deep anger within, not one that eats at me, but one that drives me to push for others to not have to suffer like I and others who have went out the way I did.  I want to do something to help other vets so that they can have an easier transition coming back to civilian life, I want to help those who are not getting the mental health care they need who have come back from the war.  Even if we haven't been fired at, we all have wounds that need TLC.  Our vets are being ignored and are washing up on the streets much like the Vietnam vets.  We are failing our vets and after I heard this morning about another program that was cut who deals with Vet's mental health, I'm disgusted with our leadership.  This injustice can be ignored no longer!  ...okay, now onto that stats homework.

Catching up... again.

Sorry buddies, it has been a while...  Since that last blog, things have been well.  ...mostly well.  School has ended and now I'm on break.  I passed all of my classes and have been spending time with my boy and new boy friend.  I don't believe I have dubbed him with a nickname yet.  He is unique and is deserving of a nickname on my blog that fits him as such.

Most of the holidays have passed and they have been fabulous.  Halloween was fun, we all dressed for the occasion.  Thanksgiving was a joy, the dude and I went to a friend's house there was a lot of family fun there.  Then Saturday, we had Christmas dinner at my house.  It was so much fun!  The boyfriend and I spent the better part of the week preparing everything for our guests. Dinner was perfect, all of it was done at the same time (which btw, if you have never cooked a holiday meal, you probably don't understand why that is worth mentioning.  But for those of you who have, it was the most amazing thing!) I succeeded making my pineapple upside down cake!  I still have some but it needs to go.  I can eat cake for breakfast for only so long.

I think the best part of the weekend was when the bf and his girls came to stay the night Christmas night.  They went to sleep without a fuss.  The next morning all of them piled on my bed in the largest pet pile my house has seen.

Pet pile:  When we all pile up somewhere and pet the animals and cuddle with each other.

It was so wonderful.  I never could have imagined this is where I would be right now.  It is delightful. And that thought kind of brings me to my next one.  I'm starting a project soon.  It is going to start with a new blog that I'm actually going to promote.  It goes along with my ideas of what I want to do when I finish school.  I can't give it away here.  It is still just a rough idea and I'm not sure I know how I'm going to go about it, but it will be created to help those who find themselves lost on the path I have spent the last few years on.  It is one of the reasons why I have been so silent here.  I've just been thinking about it and don't want to give it away.

It is kinda hard to describe but I woke up for the first time this morning without the big heavy cloud of blah over my head.  It was the first time in months that for just a few hours, I was happy again.  I write here not to feel sympathy from any readers but just to get it out.  I have been holding back quite a bit this year.  It has been a lot harder than I have lead on to believe.  I write something, then delete it.  This year has been as painful as the first year without him.  I know I say that I'm grateful for meeting the ex because without him, I would have never met the awesome friends here in my city, but at the same time, he messed me up even more than I was before.  I can't even say I miss him, I don't, he was a total butt to both my son and myself, but I miss our lifestyle.  Really I just want to have that normal life that progresses like most of the rest of the population.  That wasn't in the cards though now was it?

Yesterday I finally got to see what the report the military did for my last re-eval on my head and the doc concluded that I have a nondescript form of bipolar disorder.  I'm not bipolar one or two, or possibly even three, but she said that she thought that I have it or it could be an odd form of major depressive disorder with complicated unresolved grief.  In all the time that it has been, I have yet to really be able to talk to someone about any of the grief I carry.  Of course I have my friends, but I don't want to burden them with it.  Besides, unless they have been through it, they can't get it.  It isn't like I lost a pet or my parent or something.  It is a different kind of grief than that.  More over, if I am talking to someone about it, they can't understand about how this whole bipolar diagnosis really makes me feel.  I'm really not sure what I have more of a problem with, grief of loosing my spouse or grief related to having this incurable brain issue!  It scares the hell out of me to know that my son could have it too!  It scares me to think what I do could really mess him up more than the crap his father landed us in!  I just hope that he doesn't have this, and I hope that I don't do anything that is really going to mess him up in the long run.  I mean, what happens if I have a real manic episode?    I don't want him to have memories of when mommy was in the hospital and lost it!  The therapist I saw yesterday asked me what keeps me going and at the time, I couldn't really say, but I think that is it.  I don't want to do anything that will mess up my son!  He didn't ask for any of this!  He deserves so much better and I am doing the best I can, but is it really enough?  

Yesterday I also got to see my new docs and they are much better than the last prick I saw.  They agreed that if I don't need meds they would prefer to not push them on me.  That was refreshing.  It was the first time a doc who could actually help me listened to me.  He listened to me and suggested a therapist in his clinic.  I have an appointment with her next week.  I met her briefly yesterday and it was such a relief to finally have someone who is trained to deal with me.  I have asked for help so many times without results, five years actually, because a lot of this happened before anybody died.  Maybe now the pain with become manageable again.  I'm so tired of all of this.  I want to smile without sadness to bring me back.  

Mixed feelings

The air gets cooler and the leaves begin to turn.  There is nothing more lovely than a walk in an old neighborhood listening to the sound of the leaves crunching ever so often under the footsteps of people happily chattring.  I love fall and all the memories.  Our anniversary is coming up again.  I have mixed feelings about it.  Mostly I have good feelings from the memories of when we were falling in love, the memory of or wedding...  Then there are the painful memories.  Sometimes they can be pretty over powering, but mostly I'm coping okay.  It is definately harder this year than the past two years.  I'm not sure why exactly.  It could be just my head, but it could be grief.  I don't know.  What I do know, is that fall is in the air.  Children are excited about dressing up as whatever their hearts desire.  Homes are decorated with pumpkins and cobwebs and some how we are all delighted to be a little spooked.  Even though there is this looming ache in my heart, I'm happy to enjoy this fall with my son and our friends.  It has been a perfect as it can be right now.  :)

Complaining

At this point, I just don't know what to think.  The new semester started and the first part of it was anything but fun.  To catch up anyone who reads this and doesn't know, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder three years ago, however, that diagnosis was taken off of me two years ago and now here we are nearly three years ago from the month that my military career was halted over the original diagnosis.  Funny thing is, I went to a new P doc over the depression that for the last month wreaked havoc on my GPA so far for the semester, and he re-diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder.  Seriously, this is really annoying.  I'm not sure which I'm more mad about!  I'm mad that nobody can agree what is wrong, or not wrong with me, and I'm mad that I have to live my life in such a way that I can't disturb my normal.  If this really is Bipolar Disorder, that means no late nights, no early mornings, no alcohol, no high stress situations, no romantic relationships (because I will most likely get crazy when he leaves me), and I have to deal with the side-effects of the medication to boot.  I am already permanently messed up from the meds they had me on the last time.  I have a random twitch that shows itself at the most inopportune times, and now that I am back on another med, I have the freaking tremors again.  I hate the tremors.  I hate the tremors.  I FREAKING HATE THE TREMORS!  Along with that, I have this headache, it is due to the new med, it has happened in the past.  It might go away or just make me so docile that I stop caring about it.  Seriously, all I have ever wanted out of this life was to live a freaking NORMAL life.  Work, kid, retire.  No medication involved.  I guess that was never in the cards.  Being the crazy old dog lady at the end of the street does sound like it is though.  It is odd to say, but I feel like I'm past my prime, expired or something, used up and just kinda here to wait out the next 50+ years until I can be reborn as a freaking dung beetle or something...

So here is a thought, no one in my family has been diagnosed with this, it is normally hereditary.  That makes me wonder if it has anything to do with the crap that we call food in this country.  There are too many stories like mine that makes me think that we need to stop eating all this genetically engineered, pesticide bathed and processed food and go back to the basics.  If you can't read the label, then DON'T EAT IT!

new home

It has been a long rough summer.  Over all it was good, but there were parts that genuinely sucked at a level I have not seen in a long time.  The part that the ex broke up with me, that sucked.  The part that my son was clear across the country, that sucked too.  Oh yeah, and that lightening speed algebra class, that wasn't the highlight either.  Over all though, it was a good experience.  I learned that I have some amazing friends who will pull together for me if needed.  I learned to ask for help.  That was a skill that I cannot understand why I did ever explore that lesson sooner, it would have made things so much easier in the past.

At this very moment, it feels like all is just how it should be.  I can't say that any of it was easy, it was far from easy, but I clearly am on the other side of the rough waters. Over all, I'm very happy to have had this summer to learn from and my past relationship for the same.  I gained a lot from him.

The house is starting to feel like home too.  The grass in the front has turned a lovely shade of dark green and there is a giant tree in front that shades the house in the evening.  The front porch is a lovely spot to sit and watch the people going to the med center down the street on their bicycles with their lab coats flapping gently behind them.  The people walking by with their dogs and the kids whizzing by as fast as they can on their bicycles and skateboards.  I love living in the city.

So the first view from the door upon the entrance is a bright array of colors, kinda like shabby chic with a retro twist in vibrant Technicolor.  My couch is a pale pink L-shape that is nestled in the corner against the front wall of the house.  I laid a pretty and brightly colored sheet with a large floral print in pink, yellow, blue and green across the seat cushions which is paired with my black and chrome Barcelona Chair.  There is a large archway that divides the living room and dining room, and hidden behind it is my desk with it's modern look and fancy white polypropylene and chrome chair with  the same funky green glass lamp that adorns a table a black side table in the living room.  The focal point in this room is the table with a bright blue table cloth and it's two toned green chairs.  Atop the table is a vase that is very Cath Kidston.  Just beyond it is a built in china hutch that stows brightly colored green yellow and blue dishes with some other random things.  The kitchen is next, it is white with black granite counter tops.  There is also a chrome shelf that I used for storage and the microwave.  Both bedrooms have their own flair too.  Mine has basically the same color palate as the rest of the house, the dude's has primary colors instead of the pastel switch up.  Over all, it feels like home.  I'm so ready to enjoy it  :)

not sure this even makes sense

In eight hours the quiet chaos ends and the obnoxious chaos of boxes shuffling between homes begins.  The dream of a little girl will be realized, although not quite as she imagined.  It is a bittersweet moment.  No, it is no high rise with a fantastic view.  She isn't quite the business woman she thought she would be by now, and she certainly doesn't have a grasp on life as she thought she would.  Still with all that, she is happy.  She is finally moving to the city not a suburb, but an actual city that when people hear it's name the say "Oh"  and actually know where it is.  It isn't a big city, but it is important.  Big isn't always what is important.

In the eight hours, a woman moves on.  She picks up the pieces and goes forward with her twist of fate.  Life is unexpected and with it expect that.  Even if something terrible happens, or something unexpected happens, it can be for the best.  After all we don't know what will be around the corner now do we?

The quiet tapping of the keys... okay, maybe not so quiet...  kind of pounding through the night with vibrations that can be felt in other rooms with the door shut...  yeah, it just goes on.  The Chick just thinks about nothing and everything some how at the same time.  How the Hell is that even possible?

So much is changing in the next couple of days.  The end of a crazy fast class, the end of a living arrangement, hopefully not the end of a great friendship (I doubt you read my blog)... hopefully you can be friends with me after that conversation (feminist stuff), just please, don't ever bring it up again.  The end of a happy spot in life...  okay, maybe the happy spot was over a long time ago and I was just oblivious that it ended...  all though i still don't understand fully what the Hell happened there.  I'm afraid to ask.  ...and even if I did ask, I'm not sure I would want to know the answer.  It must be bad, or you would have told me right?

I'm so tired I have chills.  So lonely I don't want to get off the computer.  I cannot wait till my boy comes home.  After all of this, really, I just want to go home.  Tomorrow I will, as soon as I get the key.  Think I'm going to bring a box of tissues and just take 5 minutes to absorb it all.  There is just so much to do.  *twitch*