going home

we were supposed to leave for virginia thursday, then i realized that i was broke and couldn't afford it.  which really was kind of convinient, because as time came closer the more i realized that i wasn't ready to go back.  and as i have been thinking about this today, i came to the thought, "why do i not have the drive to 'go home'?"  most people really feel like they want to be around their family, they feel like they dont want to leave home.  they want to stay close, they like where they grew up.  why don't i feel like i need to be there?

i wish i could put into words, i will try.  i love my family.  i love the time that we spend together, but i feel like the bond between us is deeper than the number of miles between us.  just because i am not "home" doesn't mean that i love then any less.  and just because i don't want to go back now, doesn't mean that i am really any farther away my heart than my brother who is just miles from my parents.  i can love them from here.

since i left my parents home in 2001, i have not been back unless i had something to do there (3 times).  do i get home sick?  it has happened twice.  but i feel at home here.  it would be nice if they would come see me.  maybe then i would feel more inclined to visit them for a visit.  maybe i would try harder.

Rhythm of a Sunday in December

Splip, splip, pitter, patter, plop, plop
goes the rain through the gutters drip drop.
The roses outside my window bloom bloom.
Hotwheels on the tv go zoom zoom
Fingers on the keyboard click click
Need a little coffee for sip sip
Splip, splip, pitter, patter, plop, plop
The gears in the clock tick tock
puppy paws on wooden floor click tick
little boy's nose sniff sniff
Splip, splip, pitter, patter, plop, plop
Splip, splip, pitter, patter, plop, plop
Splip, splip, pitter, patter, plop, plop
Splip, splip, pitter, patter, plop-

The End is Nigh

For some people, this decade has been good to them.  Those people who held out on buying a house, the people who didn't loose their jobs, those who most would consider lucky maybe.  I for one am looking forward to the end of this decade, and to the suprise of anyone who hears it, I'm actually excited to see in two years.

Lets just take a moment to reflect on the highlights and low lights in my life over the last ten years.

2000-Graduated High School, started college (step-mom said I would never finish and I would end up working a dead end job... just like her), also broke off an engagement.

2001-Left for the AF, met one of my best friends(*wink*), crossed the Mississippi for the first time and was sent to Italy, met my former husband.  And how could anyone forget 9/11.  That effected every American

2002-Gained two puppies, enjoyed every moment of being in Italy except when I had to see my dickhead boss.  That guy was suck as...  Got married :)

2003- Was sent to Northern California, listened to the Man tell me how much he hated it here, which in turn made me hate it here.  My shop I worked in sucked and I worked for a very unsupportive bunch of...

2004-Had the dude :)  Still worked for unsupportive jerks.  Hated my job.  Restarted the Airman Against Drunk Driving program on our base, helped to start the program on three other bases.

2005-The man went to Iraq, and the Dude didn't get a First birthday party because daddy was gone and mommy didn't have any friends who would come.  Moved to Yolo County.  Realized that it wasn't the state that I hated, or even that he hated, it was just Fairfield and the base.

2006-Grandfather died, went to VA, came back and gained a roomate, he drove me crazy.  beat his ass, evicted him, he left a month after the eviction notice said he needed too.  Switched daycares because the daycare lady down the street said that I was not welcome in her home and that I was white trash.  between the pressures of the assholes i worked for and the dipshit roomie, I gained a perscription for an antidepressant.  One of my nieces died.  flew back to VA.  Went on a great Northwestern excersion with next to no money.  Drove from Montana to Seatle for training, then met up with the family in Idaho and drove back down.  Discovered that "Ken Ken"  was not as good as "Tom Tom" and that GPS would have definately made things a lot easier.  (I look back now and am thankful to have not had GPS at that time, we got lost, very lost, it was fun and now I have pictures from the first time the Dude saw the beach.)

2007-Bought a house, less than two months later hubby died.  a month after that the AF decided that I had a mental problem and retired me until they could decide what to do with me.  Bought a condo in Fairfield and proceeded to go crazy.  December that year the Dude and I went to Kentucky and South Carolina to visit family.  While we were in Kentucky I realized how crazy I really was realized that I was at a point that if persisted on the path I was on, I would be pushing a shopping cart within a year and who knows what was going to happen with my son.  I realized the only way things were going to get better was if I made it that way.  I was done letting men guide my happiness and driving me to insanity.  Another big note, the housing market tanked about two months after I bought my condo.  Also met another best friend :)

2008-Went back to Kentucky and picked up my son who was staying with my Grandparents.  Ran around with someone I thought was a friend and he took me for everything I was worth.  He drained my bank account I didn't realize he was just taking advantage of me while I still wasn't quite with it.  Started on the road to recovery, this time really meaning that men would not guide me to my demise.  August decided I wanted to do something with myself.  Spent the next four months pulling myself together.  Realized part of my problem that I lost my faith, began searching for it, found my path and started wobbly wandering along.

2009-It is amazing what power the mind has.  Got a job, Got a boyfriend, Got a life.  Found my faith. Found myself.  Moved to Sacramento in the boyfriend's place.  The Dude and I started school.  Happy.  Content.

Wow, now that I look back at what I just wrote, that sounds like a perfect made for tv movie or book or something!  Guess I should get to work on that so when I'm rich I can send my story to producers and see some cheesy actress play my part in the best made for tv movie of the next decade!  Over all, this last decade definately had some incredibly crappy points, but and had some amazing awesome ones too.  I just want the next one to me less negative.  I feel like it will be too :)

Good riddance first decade of the 2000s let the new era begin!

advisory on the "next blog" button

people watching is one of my favorite past times.  then there was myspace, where i could people watch from the comfort of my couch with laptop in hand.  people customizing thier profiles and the "browse" button, i was in heaven!  in fact, a few of my super good friends are products of the browse button.  

so naturally, when i saw the message about the "next blog" button, i was about to wet myself because it was a chance to people watch once more without leaving home.  so i pushed the button, and it took me to some geneology blog, then again, the same thing.  this went on for a while that i was getting nothing but geneology blogs then finally it changed, this time to blogs about moms with twins, and new moms to be.  this is all fine and dandy, and truth be told, if blogging was something that i was aware of when i had my son, you bet ya i would have been blogging about it.  but when you click the button about a hundred times and just get blogs about pregnancy and geneology there is a point that you realize that maybe this button isn't as excited as i thought it would be.  so i gave up.  and instead write to you... or probably to myself and Friend about this experience.  so if you found my blog because of the "next blog" button, welcome!  feel free to share what else you came across!  and if you saw something worth mentioning about another blog, post the link in the comments because i freaking love reading that stuff!  

...now this insomniac must attempt sleep

How I Lost My Faith

Last month someone relentlessly proded at me about my "primative" religion.  She said to me, "I just don't understand how someone who is rational, like myself, can believe such primative beliefs."  As you can imagine, this cut me deeply.  I will discuss religion and faith with anyone who wants to discuss it.  My faith has been such a major part of my life since I was a kid.  I was raised as a Christian, in fact, I read through the Bible four times between ages 15 and 19!  When other teenagers were out experimenting with drugs and learning how to function socially among thier peers, I was at church.  I was at church every chance the doors were open!  Jesus was my savior and I would live my life as God had told me to do so by His good book!

In 2002 I was reading through the Bible again, this time I was stopped.  I read a little deeper than just what I was reading before.  This time I was reading to get a deeper meaning.  I noticed the first one in  Genesis and I didn't make it past the gospels before I quit reading because I was so frustrated.  The frustrations were due to inconsitancies that I was finding.  I can't even remember which once caught my notice, but I went to many priests and pastors of many denominations to ask for them to help me sort them out.  Most of them straight up told me that they didn't have an answer.  One argued "that is why it is called faith."  Ultimately, that is when I realized that the Bible, even though it is supposed to be the word of God, was rewritten by man so many times that it had lost its meaning in the translations.  This is when my faith then took a turn for me to discover what I believe and not fear that I would go to Hell because I didn't believe exactly what any organized church would tell me to believe.  I'm sure that this was the same scary feeling that Martin Luther, John Smith and many other predominate people in the Prodistant denominations felt.

As late as 2006, I still refered to myself as a Christian even if I didn't have a denomination that I felt fit me.  I studied on my own, and if I went to church it wasn't about someone telling me how to live, but to feel like I belonged and was doing the right thing.  Then in September of that year my oldest neice died in a car accident.  Even though I really wasn't close to her in miles, and I didn't really talk to her often or my brother's whole family for that matter, it really effected me.  She was a beautiful Jesus loving lady who lived her life for Christ!  If the Christian God was so comassionate and so loving, then WHY did he take her?  She was so young and my whole family are good following Christians!  How could this happen to my family if God was on our watch?  That evening on the way to the airport, is when I lost my faith.  I remember that I verbally said what I had been thinking of for months, "I do not believe in you!"  I felt so alone, like I had abandoned my life long friend, and it couldn't have happened at a worse time.  Six month later I lost my husband, and that only confirmed that there was nothing there.

So when you stop believing that you have the ever lasting arms of your father, it is cold.  It is lonely.  There is nothing left but to ponder why you believed so deeply in the first place.  I try not to tell people why I lost faith because I don't want to be responsible for being the catylist for thier own struggle.  Life without faith really is Hell.  The description in Dantes Devine Comedy has nothing on what it is like to believe something so deeply and to suddenly realize that you are believing in something that isn't there.

So if you are the person who asked those questions of me, this is my answer.  I said it in a short answer for the first time ever today.  It still hurts to think about it.  It made me think of you and our conversations.  I'm sorry if you feel that I think you are intollerant.  I don't think that of you at all.  I have the upmost respect for you and your faith.  I learned a lot from your faith, it just isn't for me.  Forgive me for not being ready to answer your questions, you found the pain that I burried a long time ago and wasn't ready to uncover.  And for future reference, if you know someone was once a Christian and renounced her faith there was a damn good reason for doing so, especially if you know she knows your Bible better than you do.

For those who don't know, I have found peace in my own faith, on my own path, where I have the freedom to believe in what I know is right.  Not to be swayed by the fear of going to Hell.  I have been there, and will not be returning.  I've never felt more whole or complete.




An Ironic PS.  As I finish this post, I'm listening to Pandora and "You Found Me" by The Fray just started.  This song/band was one that Pandora decided should be on my play list.  I had nothing to do with it.

Chicken Noodle Soup

Secretly I have been learning to cook some amazing meals.  Tonight's dinner is...

Chicken Noodle Soup

-wheat egg noodles
-salt
-pepper
-poultry seasoning
-garlic powder (because I forgot to put a clove in)
-chicken breast
-2 cans chicken broth (low sodium of course)
-zuccini
-onion
-carrots
-celery

Unfortunately I just added this stuff without really paying attention to how much of it I was putting in.  So just do it until if feels right.  Prep and Cooking took only 40 minutes.

I have been fighting with Best Buy for about three months now and finally won. They sold me a computer two years ago that was a lemon. It had nine different things that have been repaired in the last 18 months and for the last three months they have had my computer and shipped it all over the country trying to fix it. Thankfully though, with lots of "No"s I finally got someone up high enough on the food chain there who said "yes" when I told them I wanted a new one.

So here it is, my first blog on my new computer. It is nifty as hell too! It is a touch screen and that is really fun to play with. I was going to get a Mac but decided against it because of how expensive they are and the fact that I really don't do much more than write, research, and play Bejeweled. So I really don't need all the software that comes on the Mac. The final thing that made me stick with Windows was the fact that that my equipment that I have would be useless with a Mac, like this keyboard for instance. I can type 30 feet away from the computer and it still works! And the fact that my Office suit I bought for my other computer was still good for another two downloads, so I just saved myself even more money since I didn't have to buy it again.

So now I'm working on turning my crafting space into an office. I'm feeling like I'm getting out of the cards and paper crafts. My interests are again in playing music, writing, and painting; not to mention that I'm going to have a heavier class load in the spring. I plan on taking Italian, an English class, intro to psych and the other half of my math class. So I will most likely be pretty busy.

I know that this is an incredibly boring blog. I just don't have anyone to really talk to right now. I need friends who just wanna hang out at my house like the old days. Some day I know that my past will meet my present and the people who were apart of my life before everything happened will see that I have changed. Not in a bad way, but that I have found peace. And for the first time in my life, I mean it when I say I like who I have become. People don't walk on me anymore though I am still compassionate. I have found faith again although it has changed in ways that no one would have ever imagined. And as for the bond with The Dude, it is stronger than ever before.

Okay, I think that I have rambled enough. I should probably start working on this presentation that is due Tuesday. It is the last one of the class. I saved it for last on purpose. I will be exposing the truth behind the confidence that my classmates say they see when I speak. They don't know about my past. I just hope that my story makes a positive impact on one of them. Good night all :)